Meaning, don’t tell people you’re going to do things you aren’t going to do. Especially when it’s a serious health or life-threatening event.
This truth holds at every stage of life, not just in the face of illness or loss. But regret seems to deepen when there’s more at stake.
Recently, my late mentor’s wife sadly passed away. It was difficult for me to process, not just because of the loss but because I hadn’t visited her as often as I wanted to.
Worse still, I said I would visit more, and I didn’t.
It’s not that I didn’t go as much as I could, it’s that I mentioned how often I wanted to be there, yet couldn’t match it in reality.
I have a young family and I run a small business, so I get caught up often in the long list of things that need to be done every day, and there’s barely a spare moment. I do my best to spend every free moment with my family because my kids are never going to be this young again. The consequence of this - I often don’t make time for some of the other things that are just as important, but not close to home.
Upon reflection, a simple 20-minute pop-in is often enough just to show someone you care, and even more importantly, remind them that someone cares about them. The alternative is a weird selfishness the implies your empty promise is more than just words.
The lesson here though isn’t to prevent regret. Regret happens. But, in my book, you can’t regret something you can’t change. There’s no ability to undo the done. However, you can minimize this risk on the front end with a couple of simple rules.
Be honest - people don’t want to hear what you think they want to hear, they want to hear the truth. If the truth is, once you leave, you’re back in the whirlwind of life and won’t be able to get back there for some time, that’s fine – tell them you’ll be thinking about them all the time and you’ll do your best to get there as soon as you can. Everyone prefers the truth.
Be realistic - if you say you’ll go every day, knowing full well you can’t, the impact on them is far greater than you’ll notice. You’ll be distracted in the day-to-day antics, while they may be in the hospital, ruminating in their own head thinking about everything that everyone’s said to them in the past few weeks.
Under promise and over deliver – Expectations are everything when it comes to how we receive the presence of our loved ones. Showing up, even when you said you may not be able to, that’s a love lottery ticket
‘Oh, I’m so glad you could make it and be here with us.’
Saying you’ll show up and not showing up is like waiting for your friend’s mum to pick you up while you were still in primary school. That minute is longer than a microwave minute because when you don’t show that minute won’t end.
Ultimately, this fantail learning is simple – be honest with yourself and others as to how much support you can actually provide. People don’t want unrealistic expectations and under delivery. They just want you to be honest and present if you can be.
If the honest answer is ‘I’m so sorry mate, there’s nothing I can do, and I won’t be able to get there. But, I will when I can, and I’m thinking about you all the time over here’ That’s a damn sight better than an empty unkept promise.
With my mentors wife – on her last full day, I got the privilege of fair warning and the ability to drop everything, go there and spend the afternoon. It was a manic week, there was way too much to do, and nowhere near enough light in the day to get it done.
I told myself, everything can wait, the emails, the missed calls, the texts - that’s all noise, go there, be present, spend the time.
I did drop everything, I did go, and now my only regret is that I didn’t do that just a little earlier.
20 minutes is enough – make every 20 minutes count.
